“It’s just another day for you and me in paradise.” As I’m writing this, the beautifully haunting lyrics of that Phil Collins song are playing somewhere in the distance. I’m sure you are humming it in your mind right now and not without a considerable tinge of sadness. You used to feel like that once, didn’t you? For you and your spouse, every day did seem to be like paradise and it was filled with those unmistakably joyous feelings that we only get when we are truly in love. You might even have a trace of a tear in the corner of your eye as you once more start to reflect on the way things are now, versus how they were then. So, what went wrong?
When did you find out that something was wrong, or rather when did you begin to suspect that everything was not all sweet and rosy in your relationship anymore? It’s likely that it is difficult to put your finger on an exact time, as in truth we are all quite good at pushing negative or niggling thoughts to the back of our minds. We simply don’t want to believe that anything can go so terribly wrong in our personal lives and will deny those little snippets of evidence as and when they arrive.
Imagine climbing to the top of a hill and fashioning a snowball out of a fresh accumulation of snow. Then set it rolling down the hill and watch it grow into something almost uncontrollable, something that is likely to do some damage by the time it reaches the bottom. Seem familiar? Somehow or other your partner’s infidelity has taken the form of that snowball and you feel as if you have been standing directly in its path.
Phil Collins? Somehow, it’s very unlikely that you have the radio on in your other room playing soft rock classics. You have learned from experience that it’s painful to listen to the radio – it just seems that every other song is devoted to a damaged love story or other. You’ve heard enough of how painful it is to have a “broken” heart, as it certainly does feel as if you have something physically wrong with you, you feel so traumatized.
Those early days are probably the worst. You know, right after you come to the inescapable conclusion that this affair is very real indeed. You will go through so many different emotions that your head will spin and you will find it very difficult to focus on anything else – no matter how important it is in your life. Your colleagues at work will wonder what on earth is wrong, you will start to withdraw, deal with fits of anger and become uncontrollably emotional. In short, you will feel as if you have been run over by a truck and these feelings are inordinately painful.
At times like these, after the affair, it is normal for you to behave irrationally yourself. You will strike out at close friends who only mean well, you will tell them that they don’t know what they’re talking about – that they are “no expert” at relationships, so how can they advise you! You go through a process of self doubt and may still be dealing with denial, even though it’s quite clear what is going on.
Relationships were not supposed to be like this. You feel as if you poured your heart and soul into everything and were sure that you were now partners for life. You made so many plans for the future and everything that you thought about was centered on the union between you two. As we all crave stability and purpose in life – indeed it’s one of the most fundamental human needs – a jolting, jarring disaster like this is almost impossible to deal with.
Yet it is possible to deal with this huge upheaval and you must. Life goes on, has purpose, has meaning and will be very fulfilling for you in the future. You have to begin the process of healing after the affair that’s set your life on a new course.
Our mind is very powerful, yet we must control it. This is at the root of recovery. You have to be able to rid yourself from the plague of negative thoughts, which are simply swamping your ability to reason, focus and move forward. You have to make sure that your self-confidence, self-trust and self-respect are all made whole. You have to pick yourself up after the affair, take a deep breath and go ahead with authority.
Now is the time to reflect very carefully. It’s not the time to sit down and mourn over all those photographs of you together in happier times. It is the time for you to reflect on your very relationship itself. You both need to be very honest and open and get right to the bottom of this. Everything happens for a reason and there are definite reasons attached to this affair and your partner’s infidelity. Until you clearly identify them it can be difficult for you to escape from that feeling of entanglement.
There’s a lot of repair work ahead. While you might justifiably feel to be the aggrieved party, both individuals have to make a concerted effort to make this right again after the affair. Always remember that you built this relationship in the beginning for definite reasons. In short, you fell in love and this is a very precious position to be in. If you are careful you can get back to that position and be confident that sometime in the future all of this heartbreak, despair and desperation will be but a memory.
Let’s be honest. Don’t expect to be able to wave a magic wand to be able to completely eliminate the memories of this infidelity; however, you can make it work. Whether you are heartbroken because your partner has cheated on you, or whether you are desperately searching for help because you have been the one to stray, everything can be fixed so long as you go about it the right way.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg really knows how to guide us through the minefield ahead. He fully understands all those questions that are running through your head and has seen many people not only survive an affair, but go on to enjoy a stronger relationship after it. He is able to reach inside each and every emotion that you are experiencing and guide you carefully on the path forward.
Dr Gunzburg’s revolutionary and eye-opening book “How to Survive an Affair” is your roadmap to making sense of all of this and, most importantly, to putting it right. You have suffered long enough.
Make sure that you visit Dr Gunzburg’s website at http://www.marriagesherpa.com and get a copy of this book without further delay, as it will definitely help you to start rebuilding your life. At last, a light at the end of the tunnel!
To YOUR healing,
Raj
